"Man cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him."
Friedrich Nietzsche (via leslieseuffert)
I just need to vent at this very moment. Please bare with me. A few minutes ago I was just about to record a video in which I need to be a confident and carefree individual. I was setting up my lighting and my phone started vibrating on my desk…it was my grandmother calling me.
Now the thing is, I don’t talk to my grandmother. At all. I am very upset with something she did last October and I haven’t communicated with her since.
For the record she is not my grandmother by blood but by marriage. She watched me grow up my whole life and I love her to death; I would never want anything bad to happen to her. I just can’t talk to her. She over reacted over something small and it basically had a domino effect ruining my life. It wasn’t solely just her fault, I could’ve been the bigger person, but there are many reasons why I just let the whole scenario dwindle into complete chaos. Let me explain exactly what happened:
She’s hates my mother. My mother maxed out my grandfather’s credit cards after he passed away. The credit cards had a large limit on them. It fucked over my grandmother. So there you see, my grandmother has reason to dislike my mom, and this isn’t the only reason why she doesn’t like her, there are many others, but this is the main reason that has to do with my story.
My grandmother is the only person that I know who can co-sign for my student loans. So she did. I was going to the Academy of Art University in San Francisco, and thought I get full financial aid, the school is so expensive that I still needed extra money. She helped with that.
Here’s another fact. She hates my boyfriend. My boyfriend once freaked out on me while we where living together. He didn’t lay a hand on me, but he still got very violent with items around him and I said after that moment, “Nope. Nu-uh. You can’t have me. I’m breaking up with you.” After 3 years of staying friends, we are boyfriend and girlfriend again. I love him to death though he drives me crazy, and ever since that one incident, he has learned how to control his temper.
Well my grandmother hated him because she married a man (before my grandfather) that literally almost beat her to death. She was terrified of my boyfriend after that one incident. It gave her flashbacks to her horrible experiences. She didn’t want me to be with him anymore.
Last summer, I stayed at my boyfriend’s parents house. I told my grandmother who was not at all happy about it, but whatever. I was only supposed to stay there the summer and then go back to student housing in San Francisco once the fall had come. My school told me the week before the semester started that they no longer had room for me to stay on campus.
I stayed at my bf’s parents house, explained to my grandmother what was going on, and I knew she was infuriated about the whole scenario, but whatever. I was still working my ass off in online classes for the same academy, so it didn’t matter, right?
At the end of last October, we started getting notices that my student loan from the year before had late payments that were due. I was like,
"um WHAT THE FUCK?!?" I’m still going to school. Why aren’t they on deferment?"
My grandmother was like,
"Oh shit she must have stopped going to school and is using the money to party."
No joke. That’s what she thought. She left me the nastiest voicemail ever saying that I wasn’t allowed to refer to her as my grandmother anymore and that I needed to collect all of my things out of her house and she couldn’t believe that I would mess up her life like that.
MY SCHOOL FORGOT TO SEND A PIECE OF PAPER TO THE LOAN COMPANY.
That’s it. That’s all that happened. I fixed the whole situation, the late fees got revoked. Everything was fine. I never told my grandmother my side of the story though. I was infuriated with her. She just thought that I was exactly like my mother stealing money from her and that I was just having fun with my boyfriend that she hates.
Instead of defending my side of the story, I just watched the whole thing completely escalate. I was so depressed. I was so hurt. I was so tired. Tired of defending myself because everyone compares me to my mom. Hurt because I was going to school and working my ass off and letting go of my social life because I knew how important this degree was to her and I knew how much money it was costing me to attend. I was depressed because my whole family was turning on me. Not like they were ever there, they’ve always compared me to my crazy mother who I am NOTHING like AT ALL.
We just sound the same. Have the same face. Maybe cause she fucked up my childhood I’ve learned to be a lot better than the woman she is.
Either way. That was in October.
It is now the last day of February.
I am not going to school because I don’t have a cosigner.
I have a shit ton of bills to pay.
I am broke as hell at the lowest of the lowest and I know that everything is going to be alright.
But I still haven’t talked to her. And I need to. Because we have this loan in our name and I know that she’s stressing out over it, but I kinda just want her to suffer. Even though it kills me inside that I haven’t talked to her, I can’t imagine being an adult in this situation to make things better.
I almost want her to think such bad things about me. Karma will get to her and it’s bring her down; eat her up inside because she overreacted.
Karma will get to her. j
Just like it got to me when my cell phone started vibrating a few minutes ago, reminding me that I have not gone to make amends with a very important factor of my life.
And it’s killing me. I’m falling apart inside.
So that’s why I needed to vent. And I’m done, with the venting. Sorry that this was so long. But I needed to get it off my chest so I can go on and pretend like I wasn’t just reminded of something really important and depressing. I need to record this video, because it is one of the many ways that I am trying to improve my life.
To get my name out there.
To show off my artwork.
To throw it in everyone’s fucking face that I am better than the woman who gave birth to me. That I am responsible. That I deserve to be thought of in a different a better light.
Sorry that this was so long. Thanks for your time. And wish me luck with this fucked up situation.
You see the blog I’m posting from right now was the blog I started when I opened an account on Tumblr. Whenever I follow other blogs, they see this one as the blog following them, which is cool, but I want to change that. I want my new art blog to be the one people see as following them, but I can’t figure out how the hell to do that. My new blog is still under the same account. Is there a way to make it the main blog? Does that question make sense? Someone out there help me please! haha
Hey! You! I just put these photos up on my new art blog that you should check out! The blog won’t disappoint you if you’re a fellow artist :] On the blog you’ll find awesome pieces and crafts I’ve created as well as images that inspire my work.
Here’s the url so you can check it out!
Thanks for giving me your time of day haha If you have a blog that you want me to check out, let me know and I’ll do so.
I’m planning on making a youtube channel here soon so today I did a practice recording for various reasons. I realized that my skin is looking like SHIT haha. I have not been eating healthy or drinking any water so I just had to post this. Idk, it’s just necessary.
I’ve been a hermit lately. Time to get the fuck out.